Life without love=Life lacking purpose.

I cannot read back on any of my past entries because they all make me realize how bad mine and matthews relationshipw as. Whenever I wrot eit was about how we were in a fight. How i wish Ic ould start over. Either fix things with him, or just decide to not have the best partso f my lfie happen at all. I am complteely over this entire thing...I just hate how I can't be firends with him, I'm afraid to look or talk to him. I just don't know. Part of me wishes he regreted it all, and the other part wants him to not exist at all...


Shit I just won't read back on my past entries for another year, so I will never have to relive all tha thell again!!

So I am definitely upset...just alittle...no I lied...ALOT about the ending of this day. Not only were my hopes of going to dairy queen ruined, but I have another final. The thing is Kuznar told us we were going to Dairy Queen today and then it turned out that she never asked if we could. We had all prepared to go have icecream today, but instead we are stuck in this room. Then she tells us that it's not only manditory to come the day of the final (that of which it wasn't before) but we had an actual final. It's so stupid. Not only do we really not have any idea what it is, but we can't prepare for it. I am at the least upset! And Mary and Lauren are defintely upset that we arn't celebrating their birthdays....we have celebrated everyone elses...so why the hell can't we celebrate theirs...it's really stupid to say the least.

W/E now I think I'm going to do my I essay for college writing!

GOtta work today, and hopefully get out early so i can study like woah for chem.
I'm out this biatch!

I have failed to update in quite some time. WHy? because i have simply not had the time. i come home everyday, have about an hour to do homework, eat, or sleep (whatever it is that i need that day) before I have to either go to work, guard, or the past few weeks, school related things. I am now making an attempt simply because my mailbox has been empty, I have not talked to you all in a week or two, and I miss you!

Graduation has come and gone. I only shed a few tears, and only for a few people. Some people I am glad are out of there, I don't have to deal with snotty bitches anymore. There are the others that I have known for many years that I will miss next year. Ron and russ...man those guys will be missed like crazy. I grew up with them always being there and now, all of a sudden, they will be in a different state, 4 Hours away. Me and russ kind of reconnected again last night. After the ceremony and all that, I found him with Kt and Justin kelly and I ran to him and gave him a ginourmously long hug. I told him it doesn't matter how long we have no talked, I will still miss seeing him like crazy. I hope before he leaves I get another chance to at least spend an hour or so with him. Only got a few weeks left....Among Ron and Russ, Kelly is up there, beinga snotty bitch, smacking my ass everyday...I will miss her alot as well. She has been a big sister to KT for since they moved here, and in a way, even though we wern't as close, she felt like one to me. We had our jokes, and we had the things we had in common. I wish you the bst of luck girl! Do well...and never forget me!

Then there are the other people, that I haven't known so long but will miss just as equally. Trevor, Alysa, Nikki, Melissa, Christine. Man oh man. It's like all the people i have been closest too the past 4 years, and have looked up to, are evaporating into thin air. I don't know what it feels like to them, but when Joe Harris gave his speech, and he said his final words, "Say it the class of 2005 , WE MADE IT!" I teared up a lot. Didn't cry but I knew that it was it for them. They are out of lives mostly now, and it will be hard getting by without them.

But then again we will be seniors in 5 school days now (4 for those damn CASA kids) We have made it through 3 long years (or short years) and now the final one is here. NOw we all have to worry about senior pictures, cap and gown, graduation parties, scholorships, applications to colleges, and all that other shit. I don't know about you all, but I'm scared as hell, and it would be relaly nicee to have all of those people who have already done it right by our sides. Now we must do it alone. Get by on our own, we have no one to look up to, exceept each other for the next year.

Other than thinking about graduation, there have been numerous family problems, such problems that I find it hard to just get over in a few days. I have been yet again disrespected and looked down on. This I cannot have. I have said it time and time again, and each time conflict arises, my will power gets stronger and stronger to stick up for myself...well I finally did it. Consequences followed but I still did it!

My darlin katie leaves in about 5 days. I am saddened. I will of couyrse get to hang out with her saturday, but one hour will not come close to making up for the 2 months that I will not see her face. No more even thinking about running to her house, next time my parents hit me. Thats not an option anymore. I love you girl...have fun!

And last but not least...the thing i have wanted to get out this entire time. My brother...his ways need to change. I came home uhhh sunday night, to find only 20 dollars in my change jar, when I had left there was 50. He had taken 30 dollars for his greedy, selfish, uncontrollable little self. I got it back, but te fact is that he still took it. He said I deserved it because I have tormented him since he was 5. Since he was 5 he has done nothing but ruin my nicee things such as jewlery, steal my nice things, and spit on my life. if anything he owes me. My mom knows this. She wants to send him back to kingswood. I don't know about all that. He needs to be controlled either way.

Well my extremely long update has come to an end, it's time to get ready for work! Someone come visit me tonight! The Avenue...on Woodward just north of 13, it's a green sign right before the car wash, and right after starbucks! I need company!!!
-Stef

I realized that I talk alot of shit in here..some of it really personal and then some of it definitely ment for the public eye. But it doesn't matter cause I realized I don't want other people to see any of the shit I talk if I don't give them permission So I have just spent the last 20 minutes making the past 60 entries friends only. Really the only reason it wasn't friends only was because of the people that didn't have a lj, Like trev and frank. Now frank is a memeber, and Trev doesnt comment so w/e. By the end of break my journal will completely be friends only until the end of eternity.

I am also going through and cleaning out my friends list. Some people just don't need to be on there anymore liek tony, and others that I don't really talk to. Want to stay then comment. Otherwise sorry if you disappear.

Everyone has been in a bad mood lately, or has had something to bitch about, or is have problems with their friends and what not. THe thought has crossed my mind that all of this pessimism that i have been reading/writting/ and hearing about has gotten to me to. Thats stupid thought I can't blame other people for why I am so bitchy the last 2 days...or why I have cried at least once a day every day since friday. I hate this side of me. I hate having to watch what I say because I am so irritable. or Watch what I do because my bitchy rath will come out and hurt people...
TOday for example I got a call right before i was about to walk out the door from matt. He wasn't going to school...so I had to find a way home because I was supposed to spend the day with him. K I was fine with it...until 2nd hour when i realized I wasn't going to see him all day and I guess that kinda put me in an irritable mood. Zech pushed me in 3rd hour and I stood up and he walked by emily and was like "oh I won't push you because I like you" yah sure he could have been jokign around...or was he? But I got really pissed. And eddie just like wouldn't take shut the fuck up your an asshole for an answer. He proceeded to talk shit and make me even angrier. Last night even when charlotte shoved her folder in my face at choir like I went off...I got really pissed and said "K I definitely didn't ask for your folder in my face thanks" or something like that. ANd I sounded bitchy. I know I did...and I was so irritated...but I didn't mean to be a bitch...
SO many things have been bugging me the last 2 days it's ridiculous...I don't know what to do about it. It does though seem that everyone's pissy bad mood ish have rubbed off on me. ic annot right now think of one good thing about the day. not once when i smiled and wasn't pissed off...not one Minute that I didn't think about not seeing matt today. Thats another problem. My life is becoming way to dependent on him and that definitely has to stop like 2 weeks ago!! Honestly I will not allow my relationship with him to become merely on dependency!

AHHH
All i want to do right now is fall asleep...I'm so tired...
Maybe I can sleep this whole thing off! Ready set...trying!

So the past few days have just kinda been a blur...Things have been bad and then good...I've had good laughs and a few crys for god knows what reason. My mind has wandered off into nothingness a few times and then strolled back into it's own time. There are a few things that I wonder about the past couple days. How hs is going to end or even this year...what is becoming of matt and i, my friend, family. So many questions that don't have any kind of answer. And theres alot of things that have been getting in the way of me doing things successfully. I feel like I'm being more dependent on matt...that of which I don't want to be. Getting to close to a few people that I shouldn't.
So many things that all bounce around in this little blonde head of mine, and it's difficult to take it in, but I am beginning to regret somet things that I once thought were good.
I just need to stop thinking, get over it, and move on. That seems like the best solution!!
Shuting up right and walking away to finish getting ready for school!

Sorry theres no cut...I don't feel like finding it!
-What's your full name? Stephanie Lynn Wilson
-When's your birthday? February 5th
-How did/do you do in school? not as well As I would like if I want to make top 10, but Good enough for my parents.
-What do you want to get a degree in at college? I'm debating. now I'm thinking about premed.

PHYSICAL APPEARANCE
-Hair color and length: pure blonde with grown out higlights-when it's straight to the middle almost of my boobs haha-layered
-Eye Color: blue
-Skin color: tanish white!
-Body frame: curvy a pear
-Everyday clothing style: jeans and a sweater or some type of tee shit.
-Formal clothing: skirt nice shirt!

THESE ARE A FEW OF MY FAVORITE THINGS
-Color: Blue
-Song: new...Mockinbird-M&M
-Musical category: Rap ish Pop, Musical
-Musical instrument: My voice
-Movie: Pearl harbor
-TV show: ER/7th Heaven
-Male actor: Josh Hartnett
-Female actor: Julia Roberts
-Historical Evil Person: Bush ... wait don't want to get mme stephenson on my ass!
-Fictional character: Legolas
-Book: Fingerprints
-Author: Stephen King
-Individual piece of writing: mine or someone else?? I dunno
-Shakespearean play: Romeo and Juliet
-Comic book: NONE
-Form of weather: either cool and sunny or warm and rainy

FOODS
-Meal: chinese food!
-Munchie snack: popcorn
-Movie snack: Popcorn
-Candy bar: Three Musketeers
-Dessert: anything!
-Cold drink: water
-Warm drink: hot chocolate
-Alcoholic drink: Raspeberry Smirnoff!! RUm and coke, Vodka and oarnage juice

WORKING LIFE
-Whats your current Job? the theatre?
-What is your dream job? Photographer
-What job would be your nightmare? Garbage man...gota agree with ria!
-What job are you most likely to get? We'll find out when I grad. from college
-Would you be very professional or laid back at work? well at an office Iu would probibly still be pretty laid back
-Be the boss or the stooge below the desk? Boss...I don't just ist around and take shit you guys know that!

RELATIONSHIPS
-Describe ideal looks for a mate: Not to big to wrap his arms around me...but definetely not smaller than me taller, dark hair, nice eyes...MATT
-Does (s)he have a sense of humor? YES!
-Is (s)he clean? YES!
-Are pets a big deal? not really! I'm not allergic to anything
-Would you prefer to go to dinner, a movie, a bar, or a club? dinner...so we could talk or bar so I could get trashed or a clubs o ic ould dancec...movies are boring you definitely can't do any of that
-Do you prefer to date on weekends or any day? Any day that I'm not busy
-Would you want to know him/her first or meet someone new? what???
-Commitment, good or bad? AWESOME

SECRET PERSONAL DETAILS
-Dominant or Submissive? Dominant
-Boxers or briefs? Boxers
-Silk, lace, or leather? silk
-Corsets, sick or sexy? sexy
-Top or bottom? top
-What strange place would you want to do it in? the beach is that strange?
-Where worldwide would you want (or have wanted) your first time to be? definitely in like france or somewhere in a nother country just so I could say.
-Cuddle or fall asleep? Cuddle and then fall asleep

RANDOM WIERD SHIT
-If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be? willow
-If you were a fish, what kind of fish would you be? beta so I could fight with others
-If you were a dog or cat, what breed would you be? tabby or golden retreiver
-If you were any animal that you could choose, what animal would you be? dolphin!
-Would you lick my neck if I asked you to? no?
-What would you do if I licked YOUR neck? WHO IS YOIU?
-What if I'd asked first? see above answer
-What did/will you name your first born son? Jason or Andrew...maybe Adam
-First born daughter? Rachel maybe now that I think about it.
-First born puppy? Tasha after my first dog!
-What are you most afraid of? Being alone...dieing(I guess i lied last night guys)
-What do you love most in the world? the people that i love
-Why do you love it? because they are the most awesome ones I know
-China dolls, creepy or cute? i used to think creepy but I have a cabinet full so now they are kinda cute but a pain to clean
-What was the greatest day of your life? The day that I spend on the beach all day...with matt
-What was the worst day of your life? last n ight
-What's your most recent known expression? being tipsy
-What is your life philosophy? Always have the last word
-Who is the first person you know who comes to your mind with a positive image? KT...after last night and today...well not even that the fact that sh'e sbeen my best friend for 11 years!!
-Who is the first person you know who comes to mind in a negative image? I guess I don't want to say on here...she reads this but she lies alot and I have a problem with that.
-Do you love me? I don't know you thats creepy!

Goodnight

So thank you for everyone that read my entry last night and left comments. I didn't get them until just now(sure whenevrything is better) but they still all touched me. I just wish I guess there were some things in my life that I was able to change, make different, or go back and erase.
SO to those who don't know what happened...this is the ld version of last night. Dance party with the girls, the guys came over, after screwing around for a while we all were just chillen, brother comes up behind me pushes me into russ/the couch I get up start running to my moms room to get him the hell out of my hair, he thinks I'm chasing him. Runs into the bathroom, into the corner of the shower bounces off like a tard, and back into the wall which happens to have the metal hanging thing with towels on it. Chipped a big ass piece of his tooth out. Cried loudly, blamed it on me, mom yelled scream hollered, sent everyone home. i broke down. Dad bitched!! I thought I was never going to be able to leave the house agian.
Well I sat around for a while wrote in lj, broke down some mroe and all that jazz. Called KT had a nicee talk with her she got me basically calmed down, mom wanted to talk. i broke down again when talking to her, but we got on a level of understandment I suppose you could say. She stuck up for me to dad, and theres no punishment. So basically aside from the fact that I have3n't spoken to my father since he screamed at me last night on the phone, it's all pretty much worked itself out.
But last night let me just tell you that tears got to me so bad I started to like hyperventalate. i was kinda scared for a while there...It was hard to breathe and it was just not good. i needed matt. I got my dose of him today. THat helped I guess.
SO today I got up went to guard found out comp. was canceclled...figured matt's was to, so I planned to go over there afterwards. We worked for more of the day(5) and that was cool cause we actually got rifle work....HELL YES!! besides my feet hurting like no other it was pretty aawesome. We worked more of the show!! When i went to call matt at the end of practice his dad said he was already hear...so...I found him...he was one step ahead. nd I spent the rest of the day with him.

Last night was just a really fucked up night. i think i woudl have had no motivation to like live through the night had I not had awesome friends tha tnight. So thank you so much again to everyone that commented or left messages on aim...I love you guys and THank you for all you said. It helped in the long run!!

That is all I need to get going to bed. I'm so tired!! Long dya. Goodngiht

Tonight I was disrespected, looked down upon, yelled and lectured at to no end, and tortured with the wheel in my stomach turning my emotions.
Tonight of all nights, when I need to not be alone the most, I am alone by my own fault.
Tonight when I need to be preoccupied like no tomorrow, all I can think about are the events of the night.
Tonight I need the ones that I love, and I look around and they are no where to be found.
Tonight Matt is constantly in my thoughts and what is becoming of our relationship...if there is no hope for my friend with an awesome relationship how is there for me?
Tonight my mind and emotions, tears and heart have gotten the best of me. All of this is all my fault yet I sit her crying about it. i can't think, or breathe or even stand to get away.

When you put people that upset you in a bad mood they tend to take situations to the extremes. So it has to be my fault. Of course don't blame the one with a halo and a fork stick. I don't understand. Only a few know of the events tonight. I have been shamed. i can only think of what my father will say now. Bad decisions, recklessness, irresponsibility, among all the other hatefull words he can call me. I can only hope that these words will not escape his mouth for another day. TOmorrow is my scape from real life at home. Tomorrow I get to be with my girls. TOmorrow he can't say a damn word to me.

It is not only my stomach churning the emotions but my mind, heart, and the tears rolling down my cheeks. THe best thing I could wish for right now is a big dose of anyone! Or for tonight to be my last.

I am living for nothing now. My family hates the thought of me. I have no respect. I am not trusted. What is there? Good grades and outside activities apparently are not enough in this house. Apparently to be respected, trusted, and treated like a human being, you must be perfect. newsflash...I'm not so I guess I just don't belong here.

My mind is wondering to much for me to write anymore. My brain is thinking so fast my fingers can't keep up and at the same time vise versa.

My life doesn't make sense to anyone but me. I need something and that something happens to not be here. i cannot stand the thought of myself.

It's not even the incident that has brought all of these upon myself. It's not the accident that makes my tears flow out of my eyes. It's everything that has beeen building up the past 2 weeks. The disrespect, mis treatment, and hatred in the voice of the people who say they love me. It's the worry that goes through my mind when I think of matt. It's the distance that has grown upon me and my closest friends(although tonight did help an extreme amount). But probibly mostly it is how I look at myself. I used to think I was good at things. now everything seems to be wrong in my eyes. I need to call KT...I need to talk to her. She is the only one that may understand.
I thought I said I was done...5 minutes ago!

K so for sure i just had this big entry but it didn't work!!
Why the hell is MAdame Stephenson such a fucking big bitch I don't undesrtand! First why are we going to watch the innaguaration and then write a 1 page paper on it...IN FRENCH. The innaguaration has nothing to do with france and we didn't watch it in french so why write it that way? I don't understnad. I asked calmly for her to explain it and she just started yelling at me like seriously i don't understand. She threw me out of class. I don't belong in this class consisting of 3 grade. (10th-12th)I wasn't supposed to be in french 10. Its advanceed and I'm nt that far. She put me there now why the hell can't I get out? So if I can't get out of it I'm going to be pissed. First I have taken french 2 years already so why do I need another year/ It doesn't make sense I hate this. I will just honestly stop going because I don't want to be in a class with a bitchy teacher. All we do is grammer...we haven't learned a damn thing about the culture or antyhing, and now she wants us to deal with another country...our own sure but it has nothing to do with the class. AHHHHHH

Sorry for the lack of update lately. School and hw and everything to worry about has put me at a slight disadvantage. been a lil busy like woah!
AHHHHHH I'm so sick of this shit...fuck all this dancec party shit...You have friends to not just a goddamn boyfriend. I'm really pissed...
Why am I such a bitch lately? I don't understand. Has PMS just really hit me that hard the past week or what? Do I come off as a bitche lately or what is going on? Honestly I hate this.

This is me stopping so I don't say something I regret!
My favorite part of the day: Lauren borrowed neils glasses, hat, and scarf and yelled at Smar for being stupid!!

Well I'm here...and I'm here feeling like I've been punched in the stomach and I am just beginning to breath again. Butterflies in my stomach, tears rolling down my face, smudging my mascara. I don't know how to stop this feeling. It feels as though I lost the person i love the most in my life, but I haven't I haven't lost a damn thing. So why am I breaking down just thinking about him. I am constantly thinking of the future and how I may loose this great thing. There are only so many tears that my face can take before it starts to sting from whipping them away. There is only so much emotion that my stomach can take before I begin to feel sick.
I feel like I have this disease inside of my body that makes me think the worst of all situations, and fear the most horrible things. Losing the person I love is exactly one of these situations. I hate it. i hate feeling like I'm going to start leaking from the face everytime I am in the preasancec of anyone! seriously anyone. Anything I think that is even in the least bit bad I get all emotional. There is something wrong lately and I have no way of controlling it.
There is just soooo much going through my head that i cannot control right now. Today I layed in his arms for over an hour just thinking and worrying about if he regretted anything with me. If he'd rather be single than tied up all the time, if he made the right choice when he chose me over lia...so many things that just make me think he doesn't want to be with me.

Again why is my life revolving around Matt? Why am I letting it? I just can't stop thinking about the bad, there is nothing good to look forward to. What him going off to the marines for 8 years, or us getting distant for any reason. I can't think. I need to stop typing and letting the tears roll and just think!!

( So many quizez…I’m sooo bored. )

K going back to bed for sure!

What about what I want? What about how I feel. Do my feelings not matter.
I have kept alot of things bottled up inside the past few days. It just seems as though I am the only one left out anymore. So I guess what I should have said is I'm not on that great of terms with a few of my friends. Sure we were fine before this little break but it just seems everyone is getting together and having fun, but don't invite stef she might ruin it. No one seems to want to keep tabs anymore. That makes me question the trust and honesty I have in them. Ok sure w/e if you have a problem then say it honestly don't just like leave me out of everything and then talk about your plans that your not inviting me right infront of me.

Maybe that is why I spend SOOOO much time with matt. I spend almost every day with him. I can't remember the last time my friends and I have hung out aside from guard, or that lil study thing last week. that doesn't count that wasnt' hanging out that was basically working! I guess I feel like out, behind alone. I feel alone. I don't feel like I can tell anyone anything anymore. They could always open their mouth and share with the world, why would I want to do that?

Or maybe I'm beign stupid about this whole thing, and I'm just creating problems. But I'm not. I don't understand why I haven't hung out with a single one of my good friends(I'm talking about the girls) since ok christmas. and before that a few months. Whenever anything like this comes up they say "oh your always busy with so and so(significant other-matt) But thats not the case. I could easily cancel plans with him to hang out with you guys because I see him all the time. ANd what about them talking withme. I can't remember the last time one of them has called me to just talk besides to ask for a ride or something. It's ridiculous. I can understand if your grounded or sleeping or don't feel good...but what the hell what about hwne you go hang out with your other best friend day after day after day, and talk to her on the phone everyday. I feel like the third wheel every single day at school, and honestly I'm fucking sick of it!

And then there is still the person who gets on my nerves with her "telling" me stuff and sounding like she accusing me of something or correcting me or sumthing, so much sometimes I have to like ignor what she is saying so I don't turn around and say shut up to her. My friendships have gone down the drain basically the past few weeks. Every always seems to busy to hang out. I'm sick of hanging out with matt everyday. Don't get me wrong i love the time I spend with him, but everday I'm with him. Everyother day I should be in the company of my friends. Like it used to be. Everyone is just busy to even like read this. Or call me. Or talk to me. or even write me a note anymore saying yo! I just really hate the way junior year is turning out. We are all growing apart doing our own things true, but there should always be that bond between us that holds us together and it's being ripped apart.

I honestly do not know what else to say. So I'll shut up. SOrry you had to read that!

So today has sucked. and last nite did to. I have felt like shit all day and have done nothing. PMS is a lovely little thing! NOT!!

Yesterday and friday were the worst days i've had in a long time. the 8 hour practicing in one night that went over, and then the 4 hours of sleep, and then like 8 more hours of practicing...it was just to much. my feet hurt like hell by the end of the 16 hours of practicing! I think I broke down twice but all in all the end was fun because of how much we learned. I came home and I definitely took a shower!! and went to bed right afterwards!!! Well i went to the couch and fell asleep woke up around 11 and went back to bed!!
I woke up this morning feeling pretty good. i woke up sooo early though cause I got almost 12 hours. I layed around for pretty much the whole day, matt came over a lil after 1 and we watched some of corky ramano before he had to leave for work. I sat on my ass the rest of the day. I felt like shit. And matt came back over after work. I still feel like shit and this sucks...I just wnat to curl up in a lil ball...ahh!
So I'm talking to Krystal right now...Rahn...the girl that was here freshman year and then moved. I kinda missed her. i remember we got in a fight about something and stopped talking all together. OH WELL!
So basically I have gottne around to noghting all day. I'll geto t all my comments and everything prolly tomorrow if I have time in between babysitting and wha tnot.

W/E I feel like shit! I'm going ot bed!!

01. Reply with your name and I will write something about you.
02. I will then tell what song[s] remind me of you.
03. Next, I will tell you who you remind me of, celebrity/animated or otherwise.
04. Last, i will try to name a single word that best describes you.
05. Put this in your journal

So I just did another entry to captured moments its been like 9 months man!!
capturedmoments

Add it to your friends list cause I'm sure none of you have it on there cept maybe jenny and a few others. SO yah GO!! And you better believe I'm taking my camera with me to the 24/7 guard athon...thing so yah there will be lots more coming! I also have an album of matt that I could post.

There are some things that I wish I could say on here without making it friends only or private. Yesterday alot of my true colors came through. My true feelings were let out to the person I love. and things seemed to get a little akward today. Now I can only hope that the next few days don't creat more termoile and trouble.

I am really sick of having to screen what I say, but I'm dealing with it. I need to get captured moments up and running. I think I'm going to go do that right now.

I don't have antyhing to update
Econ-Ehh...prolly failed the final, b in the class then.
Journalism-A for sure. Final was good
French-Undecided
Chem-Easy...hopefully pulled off an a. kinda scared though!
Alg-PSH...1 problem i didn't know! A for sure!
And that is all. I have things to do!

( Which number are you biotch? )
Geez that’s a lot of people! Half of these people don’t even read my lj, or have lj at all. OH well… Guess which one you are.